Funnies - nigel.stanger/Wiki

I guess it’s better than code monkeys: “Test Driven Development focuses on designing a system to be testable, which produces good software development hobbits …”
Defiant to the end: “The power lines will most defiantly snap …”
Upwards and outwards: “A normal RDBMS known as a relational database system which is used in SQL and stores data upwards … where as a NoSQL database goes outwards …”
“In having physical database tuning, NSA [National Support Agency] is able to tamper with their database, …” Good to see that they’re impartial in whom they tamper with.
“The relevance of cloud computing here is tantamount.”
Build-your-own exam answer (this is a literal transcription): “In this quote Chris Date is alluding to the fact that the relational model in its entirety is difficult to encapsulate correctly. [Specific example 1] is one way it falls short in reality, because in SQL [example 1 reasoning], whereas in the relation model [example 1 reasoning]. Another way it falls short is [specific example 2]. This is because in the relational model it defines [example 2 details], whereas SQL implements the following functionality [example 2 details].”
Fun from the Honours dissertations:
- “… this means answers from the questionnaire may vary depending on how unbalanced the participants are.”
How the Web works according to INFO 221 students (courtesy of Mark George and others):
- “We can now do HTML based web applications that are designed to work with web browsers.” … and they have the Internet on computers nowadays, too!
- “Traditionally we use request types such as POST and GET to do things but that way has become dangerous due to hackers being able to send GET requests and deleting things.”
- “The modern method of web development uses URIs as opposed to URLs.”
- “In 1889, the World Wide Web was invented by Tim Berners-Lee …” I wonder how he’s kept his looks? I suspect cosmetic surgery.
“Goal 4 was to achieve six-stigma quality for their cliental [sic].” Denigrate the customers, yep, that sounds like IT support.
“Therefore, some techniques should be developed to potimise operations on this table.” Yeah, dude, some good drugs should really mellow out the DBMS.
“… the full table scan are more likely to read more clocks resulting in a longer scan time.” That makes sense.
“Comparing this with a warehouse which also could benefit from partitioning but it just wants a lot of processing of data to be paralyzed not split in any particular way …”
From COMP 113 exams:
- “Therefore, Justine can use content for her goats.” Good.
- “The mobile device like an Iphone has a deviser for searching wi-fi, 3G and GPS. The device will connect to the internet by finding wave of wi-fi, GPS or 3G that sending from modem or sterilize.” Ouch.
“When the following 2 bitmap indexes are created, the optimizer doesn’t make use of them, instead it does a full table scan, this is due to the fact that the size of the sample data is inefficient.”
The dangers of storing tables in RAM: “I propose having a copy of this table dumped into main memory. This would speed up any look-ups greatly and the frequent updates by inventory will be instantaneous. All changers in the component table in main memory will be applied to the component table on disk at 12:00am every night. In the event of power or hardware failure this would unsure safe storage of the data.”
“Security management is another critical aspect … as the company provides the world wild services through the Internet.”
“… will need a form of security to protect case sensitive info …” Protect the lower case letters!
Prevention is the best cure:
- “Authorization controls offer the prevention of the database …”
- “Database security is very important to prevent data.”
“If her database fails and doesn’t have recovery services then she will get chucked in the slammer for grand larceny by the IRD.”
“The Olivia’s company also does the business though the wet site between different customers.”
“List all the movies that are either rated as PG or given more than one academic award.”
Denormalisation will continue until morale improves:
- “Although complex queries might needs demoralisation …”
- “… for tasks like normalizing or demoralizing tables.”
- “… it uses demoralized schema for query performance.”
- “On contrast, the data warehouse has a multidimensional data structures. It has more indexes rather than OLTP, and some joins. It is a demoralized DBMS.”
“Current portable device displays have an average of 200 nits of luminance …” Actually a perfectly valid statement, as a nit is a unit of luminance, but it’s still funny.
“Having the IT company back the DB up nightly means that Driveworx should be able to recover its data quickly. To avoid this, …”
“… it is near Waikato Stadium which uses huge amounts of lightening (power) to light the stadium.”
“Also redundant hardware provide fall-over, …”
“This is because the website’s information and its files are all in one server and if it is burnt down it will probably has [sic] no information to display on the internet.”
“List the title and nominations of the movies that Alfred Hitchcock directed and James Stewart stared in.”
Question: “List full details of all members.” Answer: “Animal” Must be a pretty rough bunch?

A rather violent-sounding error message from SQL Server, courtesy of Andrew Long:

Transaction (Process ID 53) was deadlocked on lock resources with another process and has been chosen as the deadlock victim. Rerun the transaction.
    Msg 5069, Level 16, State 1, Line 1
    ALTER DATABASE statement failed.

Beware of the glob: (eww)
- “…[the] front end would be accessible by anyone anywhere in the glob …”
- “… if for example the programmer makes everything a glob …”
“Oracle supports … automotive backups …”
“[PostgreSQL] clearly meats the budget requirement or [sic] Radiant.” Mmm, meat.
“The problem in Volunteer is that it contains too many null valuables …”
“Also, this feature perverts implicit DML operations from occurring.”
“… Date’s Fundament Principle …”
He looks very young for his age: “Date C.J., Relational Database Writings 1919-1994, 1995, pg 382”
Brave new words:
- “The goal of distributed query processing is for queries to be understood and carried out unilatouronsly within the system.” At least, I think that’s what they wrote …
- “It acts like a femporeral file storage.”
- “This means data collected on one webpage cannot maintain its state (stay available) on other web pages unless techniques to mainstate are used.” At least this one kind of makes sense …
- “This is not as simple with the relational model as another relation needs to be created to act as an intermudullary.”
- “authenrisation”
- “relatiousionalship object model” Say what?
- “durble transactions” Durble durble. Durble durble.
- “this is a isolation as both sides arnt angolaging changes from both sides.” Sure. Why not?
“Sales, marketing and manufacturing are able to work together to achieve their common goal; which is to increase their market share at the expense of their customers.”
From the Department of Unfortunate Filenames:
- inserts_ass_3.sql
“Moreover, to do a query there will be a long bath to do so.” Data cleaning?
“With this transformation the desecrate approach with subtypes has been used …” Nasty.
2-phase sauna? “Many problems could arise with a two phase commit protocol; the steam of these problems is that a two phase protocol is known as a blocking protocol.”
It’s a connected world: “Each connection is treated as a separate connection, with no connection between different connections.”
“… we using [sic] SQL language to add primary key and foreigner to tables.” Damn foreigners.
“You can either use Restrict or Constrict.”
“When comparing the smaller larger files on a ssd it will be a little bit slower when having to allow access to a larger file size on the SSD.” Err …
Cheers!
- “Many marketing staff use top-down method but DataSong use bottoms-up method.” Sounds like a fun place to work.
- “… the Lager Hadron Collider (LHC).”
“When we allocate the data in the table for shwing products” Sha-winggg!
this.items = itemDAO.gurty(); A pretty version of a combined get and query?
Intriguing references:
- Li, Lu, Kwak, & Dong (2015)
- Wang & Tang (2012)
- President, V., Innovations, U., & Resilience, I. (2004) [actually: Vice President, Utility Innovations and Infrastructure Resilience]
The little platform that could: “… AWS is a could computing platform …”
Nothing too outlandish: “… developed by a Netherlandish company …”
Can Sandra what? “… Cassandra … Cassrandra … Cansandra …” Medic!
Flexible schema is flexible:
- “The advantage of flexible schemas is obviously flexible. … Sometimes it may cause the collection to become a mass, which is the disadvantage.”
- “Flexible schemas are … much less frigid than traditional DBMSs”
“NoSQL solutions can be queried in other ways to avoid the shitshow that is SQL.” Burn!
“The benefit of the concept is that it gives all shakeholders a clear view of what the program will do …” My name is Bond. James Bond.
Software Engrisheering:
- “[Interfaces allow] you to reuse code but have different outputs and it will in this case stop a pet from saying something they wouldnt say eg Dog meow!”
- “Programming to an Interface is interfacing with a program. Okay dumb explanation.” At least they’re honest.
- “… a lookup table of check constraints”
- “tear up and tear down methods”
- “use a treat statement” Ooh, treats!
- “The concept of ‘randsomware’ is the suitation where an attacker has infulentated your system.” (COMP 210 S2 2019) Very dery buisness bertation?
“Create a mock DAO so that you no longer need to rely on the real DAO class that may have indescribable side effects …” Indescribable, I say!
“The solution to this is normalisation as it breaks up the table or relation onto [*sic*] smaller chunks and can keep the data from integrity.” Got to keep that pesky integrity away …
The little details are important: “The system must be able to accurately detail the details …”
In response to a question about the CAP Theorem and recovering from a distributed database partition event: “A way to mitigate this issue [inconsistent data across partitioned nodes] is with the use of replication.” Now we have two problems.